Saint Cecilia: Patron Saint of Music

Merry Saint Cecilia Day to one and all.

It seems strange that music plays such a huge part in so many people's lives, yet we don't celebrate the Patron Saint of Music's day at all. National Patron Saint Days are all celebrated in the manner that best suits that nation: St. Patrick by drunkenness, St. David by leeks and daffodils, St. George by brow furrowing discussions about why we don't celebrate St. George's Day properly. St. Cecilia's Day should be celebrated, and it's up to us music fans to get things started.

A quick recap of the St Cecilia story for those of you who that were making out behind the bins at Bible Camp. Cecilia, a good little Catholic girl, was forced into marriage with Valerian, an evil pagan. Wanting to keep herself pure for God, Cecilia told Valerian that she was being watched over by a guardian angel and there was no telling what would happen if he tried to enter the kingdom of haven. To avoid his amorous advances, rather than giving him one off the wrist to shut him look like most Catholic girls, she sang along with the music coming from a nearby church - probably making a quip along the lines of, "That's the only organ I'm interested in tonight."

Valerian was obviously none too chuffed with this course of events.

"What are you playing at? You're not Robbie Williams; you can't just start loving angels instead."

He demand, not unreasonably, to see this alleged angel. Cecilia pointed out that couldn't see this, or any, angel until he had been baptised. I think it speaks volumes of men's desperation for a quick shag that - rather than give up, go home and knock one off in front of Hollyoaks: In The City - he went to find Pope Urban and got himself converted.

Sure enough, Valerian returned to Cecilia to find her chatting with a massive, fuck-off, fiery angel. After this revelation, Cecilia and Valerian went round converting people to Christianity. The local pagan hocho didn't take to kindly to this and had Valerian, together with all those Cecilia converted, executed. He then dispatched a pair of thugs to ice Cecilia. They struck her in the neck with an axe three times but, in an unlikely turn of events, Cecilia survived three more days of unbearable agony before dying. Still, at least that marriage ended more happily than Paul McCartney's.

That joyful little tale aside, here are my proposals for the St Cecilia's Day celebrations:

- Spend all night hugging someone while listening to Jeff Buckley.
- Open all your windows and play music very loudly for the benefit of any nearby unwilling brides.
- Hit Britney Spears in the throat three times with an axe.
- Taunt Chris Eubank with the phrase 'St Cecilia's Day celebrations'.

Any further suggestions are more than welcome.

Download "Sala Santa Cecilia" (mp3)
from "Sala Santa Cecilia"
by Fennesz Sakamoto
KAB America

• Buy at eMusic

Download "Cecilia's Day Serenade" (YouSendIt)

Buy at eMusic